


Passing Time

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, M/M, No Slash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-08
Updated: 2003-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin attempt a friendship.





	Passing Time

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I don't really know how to start, so I guess I'll just start from the beginning. Or rather, the end. A few days after what we now call the "Rage Incident," I went back to the loft to have a talk with Brian and to get some of my stuff. At first he tried to play it cool. He presented me with his signature I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. I decided that since I was to blame in this situation, that I deserved it. But then he softened. I had sunk down on the couch while he was getting us something to drink. I'm not sure if I looked worried or defeated or whatever, but he sat down, lifted my head to meet his gaze and said, "Chin up, Sunshine. You're doing the right thing." Which I sort of took to mean "no regrets."

I guess I had expected him to yell or worse, to ignore me. But really, that's not Brian's style. Instead, we talked about what we had both been doing in the last few days. But then he looked at me, he really looked at me, and he asked how I was doing. It was one of those "how are you's" that you're not supposed to answer with "fine." No, it was the kind where you're supposed to tell the truth, because the person asking actually cares to know the answer. Brian cared to know the answer.

"I think I'm doing okay." I answered.

"You think?"

"Yeah. No guarantees. It's all just a little scary, you know?"

He nodded his head. "A little less secure at Ethan's, huh?"

"Well, sort of. I mean, I actually feel like I'm on my own now."

"You weren't before?"

"Not really, Bri. You were always there to take care of me."

"And Ethan won't take care of you?"

"Not like you did. And I don't want him to. I want to do this on my own. I want to feel responsible."

He smiled at me then. "I get it."

"I'm very grateful for everything you've done for me, Bri..."

"Justin. Please don't make it sound like you were some little lost puppy that I took in."

"I sort of was."

"It wasn't like that. You weren't here because of that."

"I know, Bri."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Good. Remember that, okay?

"Okay." I agreed.

Brian actually helped me pack some of my things, which was very nice of him. I wasn't expecting that he would. Our conversation turned to more trivial things and neither of us had realized how late it had gotten until I started to complain that I was hungry. It was well after dinnertime and neither of us had eaten all day.

"I'll make us something." I offered.

"Yeah but, this isn't technically your place anymore. You're technically a guest here. I should make us something." Brian explained.

We both looked at each other for a moment, seeing who could keep a straight face longest. I lost and burst out laughing while he smirked and tried not to laugh as well. I made us dinner.

I managed to get most of my stuff out that day and I got the rest the next day. That was the last I saw of Brian for about a week or so when he showed up at an art showing/sale I was a part of at a community gallery.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lindsay had told me about the gallery showing and suggested that maybe I should come. I mentioned that I would go if I found the time, but not to count on it. And yet, I found myself walking through the gallery door, fashionably late and all decked out in Versace. You know how it goes - if you're going to make an appearance, it may as well be a good one.

I noticed Justin's little violinist across the room standing with some other artsy people. I strode right up to Justin who was - surprise surprise - checking out the refreshment table. He gave me a surprised smile and I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"Brian! What are you doing here?" He asked and I almost said that I had no idea.

"Well, I thought that if there was a chance that my dick was going to be up on a wall, I may as well show up to see it." I told him and we both laughed.

"It's good to see you, Bri."

"You too, Sunshine." I looked over to his little husband and Justin followed my glance. "You in love yet?" I asked.

He smiled slightly. "I'm working on it."

"Yeah well, don't work too hard." There was a moment of silence that I knew I had to break. "Well, you should probably be mingling, huh?" 

"Oh. Yeah. Probably."

"Okay well, I guess I'll go check out the art."

Justin pointed in the direction of his stuff and told me not to leave without saying goodbye.

"I wouldn't dare." I told him.

I could feel Ethan's eyes on us and so I leaned in and kissed Justin on the mouth. Just a small kiss, nothing special. Those who didn't know us could have mistaken it as a kiss between friends. But at that point I didn't know how to be friends with Justin.

I found Lindsay and she shook her head at me so I shrugged my shoulders back at her. We looked at Justin's stuff - my dick did not make an appearance - and then we looked at some others.

Eventually we decided that it was time to go. We found Justin and he and Lindsay went on and on about the form and structure of his pieces. They talked for a few minutes about artist things that I didn't exactly understand and then it was my turn. Lindsay told me she'd wait outside.

I didn't know anything about form and structure but I did watch Justin create some of those pieces. I felt kind of special to know that I was privy to a lot of information that everyone else here was not - especially that fucking Ethan. Some of those pieces had been done in my home, on my bed. I felt a connection to them somehow.

"Your stuff is the best here." I told Justin.

"Oh, please..."

"No really. I don't bullshit, Justin."

He considered that for a moment. "I know you don't. Thank you." Silence. "I'm glad you came, Brian."

"So...any sales?" I asked.

"A couple." He pointed to the wall and sure enough, there were some empty spaces.

"Well, how about another?"

"Oh no, Brian. You can't buy something."

"But I want it."

"Well then take it. But I can't let you pay for it though."

"You know, if you want a career as an artist, you're going to have to take people's money." I joked.

"But not yours." He told me.

"Are you actually refusing a sale?"

"I told you, Bri, you can have whatever you want. You're just not paying me for it."

I walked him over to the wall. "I want this one." I chose an abstract piece in bold colours. The one that he had painted while in bed with me.

Justin looked at me, remembering. We had just finished an intense session in bed and Justin, of course, had the undying urge to paint. Go figure. I didn't want him to leave the bed and somehow he convinced me to let him paint there. He promised not to spill anything. I lay there watching him work and at that moment, I couldn't imagine ever wanting anything more than him. Of course I never said it, but I felt like Justin knew it, even if it was only for that brief moment.

But those times were over, however, nobody said that I couldn't still have the memory, right?

"Take it." Justin told me. "It's yours anyway."

I took the painting and slipped my money into his pocket.

"I don't want to hear it, Justin. That money is yours. You earned it. Now I should go or Lindsay will kill me." I gave him one of those "friendly" kisses.

"Later."

"Later."

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later turned into two weeks. My schedule had changed so much that I was never working at the diner when Brian would be there. And I wasn't going to Woody's or Babylon all that much anymore.

I didn't see anyone all that much actually. I was just too busy. Or at least, that's what I was telling myself. Things with Ethan were going tremendously and yeah, I was happy. I did miss Brian, but not exactly in that heart-wrenching-love-of-my-life kind of way that I had expected.

But I was just finishing up a shift on a Saturday evening, when who should walk in? We both smiled at each other and he sat at the counter.

"Hey, Jus."

"Hey. What are you doing here on a Saturday night? Why aren't you out fucking?" I asked.

He shrugged. "What do you care? You're going to get a tip out of this." He joked.

"Ah, but I'm not. My shift is over."

"Oh. Well in that case, join me for a late dinner at this fine dining establishment?" I smiled and we took a seat at a booth.

We sat and talked for a while, caught up on what each other was doing. It got pretty late and when we finally noticed the time, I figured that I should be heading home.

"Your husband going to be waiting up?" Brain asked sarcastically.

"Brian..." I said. 

I understood that he didn't exactly like Ethan - why whould he? But I hated when he made fun of him, when he made fun of Ethan and I. He made it seem like some fantasy in my head rather than a real relationship. He made Ethan and I out to be a joke. I think he picked up on the fact that he upset me because he apologized and offered to drive me home.

It felt weird to have to give Brian directions to where I lived since we had shared his home for quite some time before that.

Before I got out of the Jeep, he turned to me and stared for a moment.

"Come over for dinner on Sunday." He half-asked, half- commanded in typical Brian Kinney fashion. I gave him a wary look. "Oh come on, Justin. We're friends, right?"

"Of course we are." Well, we weren't exactly, but I wanted to be. I guess he did too.

"Then come over for dinner. Friends can eat dinner together."

I laughed. "You're right. Except promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"That you won't attempt to cook. I'll do it."

He laughed. "Get the hell out of my car."

"Goodnight, Brian."

"'Night Jus. Justin?"

"Yeah?"

"You're happy, right?" I nodded my head yes. "Good. Now get out."

Ethan rounded the corner just as Brian was drivng away. I had forgotten that he had been out with friends.

"Was that Brian?" He asked me as we went inside.

"Yeah." I told him.

"Oh."

"I'm going over to his place on Sunday for dinner." I told him. I wanted to get that one out of the way immediately.

"That's nice." Ethan said and closed the door. 

He wasn't one for jealousy. He trusted me. At that moment, I felt myself falling in love with Ethan Gold and I spent the night showing it.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got to the loft on that Sunday evening, Brian's hair was still wet from the shower and he was only half dressed. I let myself get comfortable while he found a shirt to wear.

"You know, Justin, you could have just come up. You have a key. You didn't have to wait for me to buzz you in." He told me from the bedroom.

"Oh, well, I didn't know if I should."

"Well, you should."

"Okay." I told him. Good, that was that out of the way.

I looked around to see if anything had changed since I'd been gone. Well, it was definitely cleaner. I noticed my painting up on the wall and I smiled. Brian came out of the bedroom and stood in front of me.

"So, what are you cooking me?"

"Oh, I don't know. What have you got?"

We both went to the fridge and I wasn't all that surprised to find that it was virtually empty.

I looked at him. "Brian, what the hell do you eat?"

He shrugged his shoulders and I rolled my eyes. We ended up eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches with a side of cheese and drinking Jim Beam. By the end of the night, we were both a tad drunk.

"Justin?" He said as we sat next to each other on the floor, our backs against the couch.

"Uh-huh?"

"I kind of want to kiss you. But I'm not sure if it's just out of habit or not."

We both started laughing and I rested my head on Brian's shoulder.

"I'm glad you're happy, Jus. I'm glad you have...Ethan."

"Thank you. And what about you, Bri? Are you happy?" I asked.

He hesitated for a moment. "Yeah. I'm happy enough." And I believed him.

"I'm glad we did this."

"Me too, Sunshine."

"But next week, I'm bringing groceries."

We laughed and sat there for a while longer. I took a cab home to Ethan. I was exhausted when I got in and Ethan took me in his arms as I fell into a deep sleep.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sundays became dinner with Justin days. After the first night, Justin became convinced that I never ate due to the severe lack of food in my refrigerator. So he had to make sure that I had at least one proper meal a week.

We always ate at the loft, as I'm sure his husband wouldn't have liked to see me around their place - despite what Justin said about him not minding that the two of us were friends.

No matter what needed to be done, I always made sure it was done by Sunday evening at six, when Justin would show up with a grocery bag that would soon be our dinner. He'd provide the food and I'd provide a bottle of wine that we would nurse all evening.

By the end of the night, we'd both be drunk and he'd have to take a cab home - which I insisted on paying for since I got us drunk but which he insisted on paying for because he let me get us drunk.

We ended up splitting the fare every time and yet our parting conversation always went like this, 

"Oh shit. I've gotten us both drunk. Let me call you a cab. I'll pay."

"You can call, but I'm paying. I let you get us drunk."

"I'm paying."

"No, I'm paying."

"I'm paying.'

"You don't have to be so nice, Brian. Jesus, you weren't this nice when we were together."

"Ah, but we're friends now." I'd explain. "I'm much nicer to my friends than my lovers."

"I hadn't noticed." He'd say. I never knew if I was supposed to laugh at that because, truth be told - and I'm sure it's not a surprise - I'm pretty rotten to both of them.

"We'll both pay."

"That's fair." He agreed.

We'd wait for his cab and I'd give him one of those friendly kisses goodbye. Afterwards, I'd go to bed and I'd feel a bit empty. It wasn't exactly that I wanted Justin in my bed. It was just that I was sort of jealous that he was going home to someone and my loft was empty.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I felt my friendship with Brian growing over those Sunday dinners. That was something that I always felt Brian and I lacked - friendship.

I felt closer to him then I ever did and I know he felt the same way. He was able to open up to me much more. I felt a bit cheated that he couldn't have been like that when we were together. But I figured that was just how things were meant to be.

And I felt extremely happy and extremely fortunate that I could have such a wonderful relationship with Ethan as well as a great friendship with Brian. Brian was my first...everything and I wasn't about to never see him again.

Sundays were precious to me and I know they were equally precious to Brian.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Sunday evening, as we sat on the couch finishing the last of the wine, the conversation turned to the topic of love, or rather, my objection to it.

"I don't believe it for a second, Brian."

"Well, you of all people should, Justin."

"No. I know you can love. You do love. You love in your own way. I've seen it. I've felt it." If we weren't drunk, I might have thrown him out for that comment. Instead, I simply said,

"Well, it's no matter. People don't want 'love' from me anyway. Just instant satisfaction."

"You mean your tricks?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"Well...you could start by being nicer to them." He offered.

"Excuse me? I am nice."

"Brian, 'Get the fuck out of my bed, the show is over.' Is hardly being nice."

Even I had to laugh at that one. "Yeah well, you never complained." I told him.

"That's because I got to stay the night."

I leaned over and kissed him and he let out a small gasp.

"Stay the night." I whispered into his ear.

"Brian..." I started to rub my hand down his chest. "Brian, no." I stopped. "It's just the wine talking." He told me.

"Well, let it talk." I said. He shook his head. I leaned back against the couch again and sighed. "Sorry."

"It's okay, Bri."

After he left that night, I was definitely jealous, jealous that Ethan got to run his fingers up and down Justin's body. Jealous that Ethan got to hear his moans. Jealous that it was Ethan's name on Justin's lips and not mine.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I decided to put Justin's 'nice' theory to the test, however. I let the next trick spend the night. In the morning, we had breakfast. I'm not sure why I chose him, but I did. 

Liam. He was a photographer working on an account for us at the agency. Despite my new rule about not fucking people at work, I decided that since Liam wasn't actually on payroll, but was freelance, that he didn't count. God, the excuses I make.

There was something about Liam that was instantly likeable, and I fell for it. I somehow decided that it was time to grow up. No bullshit. I was nearly thirty-one years old and I'd never actually been in a proper fully committed relationship. Of course there was always the excuse that Brian Kinney didn't do relationships, but the truth was that Brian Kinney was just to chicken shit to try it. Justin had taught me that. At that point I wasn't sure where things with Liam would lead, but I was willing to keep an open mind.

Justin had taught me that I was capable of loving someone. This time I wasn't going to hold back just to find that Liam - or whoever - would leave with another Ethan. I couldn't handle that again. I vowed to give whatever it was that I could possibly give. I decided it was time to put my pride and my reputation on the line, which was much more than I had ever given Justin.

Liam and I began seeing each other, a few times at first, but then much more often. I, Brian Kinney, had a boyfriend. And a real boyfriend at that. Somewhere along the lines I stopped tricking and I found that it wasn't a very hard thing to do. I enjoyed this newfound inner strength I had to face the world unmasked.

When I introduced Liam to everybody as my boyfriend, I didn't get any of the wise cracks that I had expected. And to think, I never got to use all of the witty comebacks that I had come up with.

Everyone, while a tad shocked, seemed genuinely happy for me. Even Michael seemed to like Liam, which I was sure Justin would take offense to.

Justin. I hadn't mentioned Liam to him over our Sunday dinners. I just didn't really know how to do it. I wasn't completely sure that Deb or one of the others hadn't mentioned Liam to him, but if they had, Justin hadn't confronted me about it. Likewise, I hadn't mentioned Justin to Liam. It had been almost a month and I figured the two should meet. I felt like I was deceiving them and that was something that I did not want to do.

I took Liam into the diner during a shift that I knew Justin would be working. We sat down at the counter and Justin turned to face us.

"Brian!" He smiled at me and then looked at Liam.

"Hey babe." I smiled back. Justin stared intently at me, waiting for me to introduce my companion. "Uh, Jus, this is Liam...my boyfriend. Liam, this is Justin."

I watched as a few expressions passed over Justin's face before he decided which one to use. He settled on a friendly smile.

"Wow. It's, uh, very nice to meet you, Liam." Justin held out his hand and Liam accepted.

Liam sensed that I needed to speak with Justin alone, so he excused himself to the bathroom. Justin's mouth dropped open the minute Liam turned away.

"Brian! When did this happen?" He exclaimed.

"About a month ago."

"Oh." He sounded hurt that I hadn't mentioned it sooner.

"Hey, don't be mad. I just didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing."

"But it's not nothing." He said.

"No. Not anymore. And that's why I'm telling you."

He accepted that. "Well, I'm surprised Bri. But I'm totally happy for you." He said.

"Thanks, kid." I ordered some food and went to a booth to wait for Liam.

When he got to the booth, Liam sat down and raised his eyebrows at me.

"What?" I asked him.

"That was a setup." I gave him my best 'who me?' expression and he sighed as he leaned back in the booth. "So...you still see your little blond twink." It was a statement, not a question.

"You mean Justin?"

Liam rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Justin."

"Yes, I still see him. What do you know about him anyway?" I asked.

"Brian, Liberty is only so big. Everyone knows about you and him."

"Oh. Well, whatever. We're friends now."

'Friends? Brian, he's just a kid. Eighteen, right?"

"Nineteen. And watch it, that kid and I had a relationship for nearly two years."

"A relationship? Rumour had it that you fucked him and then he just followed you around after that."

"Yeah well, rumours are rumours for a reason, aren't they? Often times, they're not the truth. And anyway, it doesn't matter. Justin and I are friends. I see him at least once a week. He's non-negotiable in my life. If you can't handle that, then maybe-"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down, Brian. It doesn't bother me, really."

"Okay, good then." Just then Justin brought us our food. 

When we were ready to leave, I brought Justin the money for the meal and handed him a cheque. He looked at the cheque and then back at me.

"This is quite a tip, Bri." He told me.

I rolled my eyes. "Is it the right amount? Or have tuition rates increased since last year?" I asked.

"Oh no. No way, Brian. No fucking way."

"Justin, shut up and take it."

"I can't. I can't take this from you. Tuition isn't even due for months!"

"I know. But the semester is over, right?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't want you spending the whole summer working your ass off trying to save up enough money. So I'm giving it to you now. Take the goddamn money and say 'thank you.' How else are you going to pay for it?" I asked.

"I'm going to get a loan from the bank."

"You can't. Your father makes too much money. We've been through this."

"But Brian, I can explain that it's for my tuition and that my father has no intention of paying for my schooling and-"

"And nothing. Take the money. Even if you manage to get a bank loan, you'll be paying it back for the rest of your life. At least I don't charge interest."

"But Brian..."

"You're not going to win this one."

"...Thank you." He told me.

I shook my head. "See you Sunday?"

"Yeah. Bye guys. Nice meeting you, Liam."

"You too." Liam replied.

Once outside, I lit up a cigarette.

"You pay his tuition?" Liam asked.

"I'm not getting into it."

"And why doesn't his father want to pay it?"

"His father doesn't even want to speak to him. They haven't even seen each other for almost a year."

"Why?"

"Because Justin is a fag." I said.

"Oh."

And I think then that Liam learned something about Justin. He looked well enough, but Justin had a lot to deal with. He needed someone looking out for him. That someone was me.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I entered Brian's loft tentively that Sunday. He noticed and started to laugh.

"He's not here, Jus. He doesn't live here."

"Well, how am I supposed to know?"

"Letting my boyfriends move in with me straight away is not my style." He explained.

I snorted as I placed the groceries down on the counter. "Brian, you don't have a 'style.' You've only ever had two boyfriends and I was already living here before you admitted it."

He glared at me. "Have I told you to shut up recently?" 

I ignored him. "So, tell me all about him!" I demanded. Brian got this pained look on his face, like he really didn't want to talk about it. "Or don't...you don't have to tell me a single thing if you don't want to."

He sighed. "What do you want to know?"

"What does he do?"

"He's a photographer."

"Where'd you meet him?"

"At work."

"Thought you'd learned your lesson there."

"Justin, shut up."

"How old is he?"

"Twenty-nine."

"Oooh, a younger man."

"Justin, shut up."

'Liam, eh? Irish?"

"Yes."

"Just like you."

"Yes."

"Last name?"

"Reeves."

"Any baggage?"

"What?"

"Like...a kid, or an ex-wife, or a crazy ex-lover who is out to get anyone who comes hear him."

"Oh. No. You're fucked, you know that?"

"What's his story?"

"His story? Justin, please."

I knew Brian was uncomfortable, so I decided to stop pressing the matter.

"So, how's Ethan?" He asked just to be a jerk, but I answered anyway.

"Pfft! I don't know, ask his violin."

"Oh, trouble in paradise?"

"No. He's got this competition coming up and all I hear all day is the same fucking song."

Brian laughed. "You should understand - you're an artist. I've seen you draw and erase the same thing for almost an hour."

"Ah, but erasers don't screech."

"Hmm, I'm sure Ethan would love to hear you call his music screeching."

"So...are you in love yet?" That was what I really wanted to know.

"I'm working on it." Brian replied.

"Yeah well, don't work too hard." He laughed. "So, has he met everybody yet?"

"Uh-huh."

"So, I'm the last to know?"

"Justin, don't start. Actually, I figured Debbie would have let it slip and I wouldn't have to explain anything."

"Well, she did keep hinting that something was going one, but I thought she was on crack. I mean, Brian Kinney in a relationship? Who would have thought?"

"It's absurd."

"A sign of the apocalypse."

"Maybe I've been brainwashed? He offered.'

"Maybe you're growing up." I said.

"Take that back."

"Never."

He made a jump for me and chased me around the loft. We ended up laying on his bed. I tried not to think of Liam sleeping on my side.

"So? Does everyone like him?"

"Yeah."

"Even Michael?"

"Yeah, even Mikey."

"Oh. That's a tad insulting." I said.

"I knew you'd think that."

We stared at the ceiling. I would have given anything to know what he was thinking at that moment - but I didn't dare ask.

I knew what I was thinking. I was thinking, 'what if?' What if things were different between Brian and I? What if we were still together? What if - the phone rang. I took that as a sign to stop thinking 'what if?' it wasn't worth it. As Brian took the call, I went back to the kitchen to finish preparing dinner.

 

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The next week was my birthday and though I had repeatedly told Justin that I didn't even want him to mention it - he did anyway. He presented me with a huge, absolutely gorgeous painting that he said he'd been working on for almost a month on the Wednesday night of my birthday. I always knew that Justin was talented, but this made me realize that he really was going to make it some day. He was too good not to.

On the night of the prom Liam and I were at the loft having dinner. Justin and I hadn't mentioned that the anniversary was coming up. Nor had we talked today. I was lost in my own thoughts, my own memories. 

"Brian? What is with you? Are you even listening to me?" Liam asked.

"Sorry. Just drifted off there."

"Well, sorry to bore you." Liam was getting a tad pissed off. I'd been like this all night.

"So, what were you saying?"

"I was saying, that we should go out tonight."

"I don't think so."

"Well, why not?"

"I'm not in the mood."

Liam sighed. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"No."

"Jesus. You're fucking impossible sometimes."

The phone rang and I just knew that it was Justin. I rushed over.

"Hello?"

"Um...hi. I was wondering...are you busy? Can I come over?"

"I'm not busy. Come over. Do you want me to pick you up?"

"No. I'll be there soon. Thanks Bri, bye."

"Bye." I put down the phone.

"You're not busy? Well thanks, Brian. Let me guess, Justin?" Liam said.

"You don't understand."

"Well maybe you could help me understand, because frankly Brian, I'm getting a little sick of you tonight." Liam said as he got up and cleared the table.

"A year ago, Justin was bashed."

"I know a year ago Justin was bashed."

"A year ago, tonight, Liam."

He stopped what he was doing and turned to me. "Oh shit. I'm sorry, Brian. Fuck me, I'm such an asshole."

"Don't worry about it."

"Um...I'll clear the table and...and I'll go."

"It's okay. Just leave everything. I'll do it later."

"No, no. I might as well." He cleared and washed the dishes as I sat down on the couch. "Brian?"

"Mmm hmm?"

"If you don't mind me asking...why did you go to his prom?"

"He...wanted me there."

"Oh."

"And I wanted to be there."

"Oh."

Liam finished up and kissed me goodbye. A few moments passed and Justin came in.

"Bri, I saw Liam leaving, I thought you said you weren't busy."

"Don't worry about it. Where's the husband tonight?"

"Went out with friends."

"He left you alone tonight?" I asked astonished.

"I didn't tell him it was tonight."

"Oh."

"I'm okay, Bri. I just didn't feel like being alone."

"Oh."

"What about you?"

"The same."

So we sat together talking and laughing and trying not to think that a year ago at this moment, I arrived at his prom. A year ago at this moment, we were dancing. A year ago at this moment, we were walking to my Jeep. A year ago at this moment, I was just about ready to admit I loved him. A year ago at this moment, I was calling his name. A year ago at this moment, I was too late. A year ago at this moment, he was almost taken from me.

I drove him home later on, when he was sure that Ethan would be there. But I didn't want to leave him. I sat on the street in front of his building for a few minutes. Maybe, I didn't want him to leave me.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first thing I saw when Liam and I walked into the restaurant, about two months later, was my little blond twink leaning up against the wall. He was standing next to the little violin boy.

"Well hey, guys." I said.

Justin looked up. "Brian! Hey! Hello, Liam, good to see you. Brian, you remember Ethan." Justin shot me a warning glare. I smiled at Ethan who smiled back at me. "Um, Eth, this is Liam. Liam, Ethan." The two shook hands.

"Waiting for a table?" I asked.

"Yep." Justin replied.

"Well, hey, why don't we all eat together?" Liam suggested.

The look on my face, Justin's face, and Violin's face were priceless. But we all agreed on it. I remember thinking that if we all got out alive, the world would end as an ironic afterthought.

We sat down and no one really knew what to say. So of course, Justin said something.

"So, Liam, Brian tells me you're a photographer."

"Yeah."

"That's, um, really interesting. I'm an artist."

"I know. I've seen your stuff at Brian's."

"Oh. Right."

"It's great."

"Thank you."

Thankfully the waiter came then to take our drink orders.

"I'll just have water and he'll have an iced tea." I said pointing at Liam. "And he'll have a Coke with a ton of ice." I said pointing at Justin before I fully realized the mistake of ordering for him. I tried to rectify it by pointing at Ethan and saying, "And he'll have..." But I had no idea what Ethan would have.

"Water." Ethan said flatly. He wanted to kill me. The waiter left.

"Heh...um, Brian! How's work?" Justin changed the subject.

"Uh...good. Busy. Work is good and busy.'

"Well I guess so, now that you're partner and everything."

"Yeah. I guess so."

Silence.

"So Ethan," Liam started. "You're a student at IFA too?"

"Yeah, I am." Ethan smiled. Well, at least he didn't hate Liam.

"An artist as well?" Liam asked.

"I play the violin."

"Oh! I used to play the violin. Well, actually, I used to try and play it. I was horrible. The piano was my instrument."

"Was?" Ethan asked.

"Oh God, I haven't played in years. I should take it up again."

"You should. Music is so soothing." Ethan said.

I rolled my eyes as high as they could go. Justin noticed and glared at me. I stuck out my tongue at him and he gave me the finger. We both started to laugh. Ethan and Liam turned to us. We shut up.

Thankfully our drinks arrived and the waiter took our orders. This time, I stayed quiet until the very end.

The rest of the meal was eaten in relative peace. Liam and Ethan really hit it off, so they did most of the talking, leaving Justin and I to brood.

Later, back at the loft, after I'd fucked Liam within an inch of his life, he said,

"Ethan seems very nice."

"Whatever." Was all I could manage on the subject.

"So, he's the one who took Justin from you, huh?"

I rolled over to face him. "What's it to you?"

"Nothing. I just figured that had to be it since he's so nice and you're so incredibly rude to him."

"Whatever." I said again.

Liam kissed me. "Goodnight, baby. I love you."

"Whatever." Liam laughed. I didn't know what to say next. He told me he loved me and I froze. We went to sleep.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brian and Liam walked into the diner just as I was about to take my break. Liam invited me to sit with them, which I figured was pretty nice of him. He was a nice guy and though part of me wanted to hate him, I just couldn't. Liam told me all about this exhibit the two of them went to the night before.

"I thought it was just photography, but there were some great paintings and sculptures there as well." He said.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, if I had known, I would have mentioned it to you. You would have been more receptive than this lug over here." He gestured to Brian and I had to laugh at that.

"I was receptive. Until I got to the photos of naked women." 

"Brian!" Liam and I both said at the same time.

"So, Sunshine, how did you spend your evening?" Brian asked.

"Um, I went to the Opera with Ethan."

"What?" Brian asked as though I was lying.

"Shut up, Bri."

"So what did you see?" Liam asked.

"Salome."

"Mmmm, Oscar Wilde." Liam said.

"Didn't know he did opera." Brian said.

"It was adapted by Richard Strauss." Brian looked at me like I was crazy. I shrugged my shoulders. "I read it in the program."

"You realize that you're dating someone Ted would date." Brian told me.

"Not really. Ethan was so annoying during the performance. We were sitting in the front row-"

"You were not." Brian interrupted.

"We were so."

"I've seen where you live, Justin. No way could the two of you afford front row seats at the opera."

"Ethan's dad is rich, Brian. If you must know, he got us the tickets."

"If he's rich then maybe he could buy his son some new clothes."

I glared at Brian. "Just because he doesn't wear Prada to fucking bed doesn't give you the right to make fun of him."

"Relax, relax. I'm kidding."

"Brian, just shut up and let Justin tell his story." Liam said.

"Thank you, Liam. Anyway, we were sitting in the front row and all night Ethan kept trying to stare into the orchestra pit to see the violinists. He said they were pitiful. Anyway, it was right near the end and Salome is being put to death and Ethan is moaning and groaning at the dynamics of the music. I was practically in tears for this poor girl and he was worried about the rhythm of some piece."

"Oh my God, Justin." Brian started. "YOU are someone Ted would date!"

"Yeah and you dated me, so that must make you Ted." I told him.

"I think I have to sit down."

"You are sitting down." Liam informed him.

"Then sedate me."

"Oh shut up, Brian." Liam said. "Ted's a sweetheart."

"I'm in the middle of two Ted lovers."

I rolled my eyes and got up. "Break over. Sorry to leave you with this wacko, Liam."

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That Sunday, I had some news to tell Justin. I waited until dinner was over and we were halfway through the wine. Partially due to my cowardice and partially due to the fact that Justin hadn't let me get a word in edgewise. He was telling me all about what he had planned for Ethan's birthday the following week, to which I had replied,

"Wow. How old is he going to be again? Twelve?" Which was met with an icy stare that I guess I deserved.

Anyway, I waited until Justin had taken a sip of his wine to ensure that I'd have a moment where his mouth was occupied.

"Liam told me he loves me."

I realized that I picked a bad time when Justin nearly spit his red wine out all over my white carpet. Instead, as a result of him holding it in, he coughed up a storm when it went down the wrong way.

"Well, I didn't think that would happen." I said.

"Holy shit, Brian! What did you say?"

"Uh...nothing."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well...do you? Love him?" Justin asked.

I so did not want to answer that. "Yes."

Justin almost did an amazing job of holding back the resentment on his face. Almost. But I can read that face like an open book, so his efforts were wasted on me.

"You need to tell him."

"Or what?"

Justin didn't answer me. He didn't need to.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next Sunday when I got to the loft, the first thing Brian said was,

"I told him." It took me a moment to realize what he meant, but when I did, I ran up to him and gave him the biggest hug ever.

"Oh Brian! I'm so happy! So proud! You're a real man in a real relationship! How does it feel?" I let go of him but we still stood close.

"Not as nauseating as I thought it would feel."

So that was it. Brian Kinney was in love and I hated him and loved him at the same time because of it.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I showed up the next week at the loft, walking in like I owned the place, I felt a little ashamed to see Liam and Brian kissing.

"Oh! Sorry, sorry. I should have knocked." I apologized.

"What for?" Brian asked. I couldn't answer that. He was right, I never knocked.

"Um, I'm supposed to be here, right? I mean, I know it's Sunday, but..."

"Of course you're supposed to be here." Brian said.

"I'm just leaving." Liam added.

"Oh, well, don't leave on my account. Really, stay." I'm not quite sure why, but I felt guilty being there.

"No, that's okay. I'm gone." Liam smiled. "Bye, Brian. Nice to see you again, Justin. Give my regards to Ethan." And he left.

Brian looked at me after the loft door closed. "What's wrong with you?" He asked.

"Nothing." I said as I crossed over to the kitchen. "I just get the feeling Liam doesn't particularly like me." I explained.

"What? Of course he does."

"I don't think so, Bri."

"You're being paranoid."

"Can we talk about something else now?"

"Sure." We made dinner in silence.

"He doesn't hate you." Brian told me as we sat down to eat. "And besides, even if he did, who cares?"

"I care."

"Why? Ethan hates me and I don't care."

"Ethan does not hate you."

"Sure, Sunshine. He's got a funny way of showing it."

"Brian, he only acts defensive because he knows you hate him." I explained.

"I don't hate him."

"Yes...you do."

"Well...can you blame me?"

"Brian..."

"Well can you?" He was starting to get angry now.

"Can we change the subject?"

"The fucking little shit waltzes right in, fucks my boyfriend and he expects me to like him?"

"Brian..." I whispered.

"And YOU expect me to like him? Well, fuck you, Justin. Perhaps you should have picked a better way of introducing us if you wanted us to like each other. Instead of, 'Brian, this is Ethan, the guy I've been fucking behind your back for God knows how long. Ethan, this is Brian, my fucking fool of a boyfriend."

This was surpressed anger, I was sure. Brian had never let me know how I made him feel in those times.

"I'm sorry, Brian! I can only say it so many times! If you're not going to forgive me, then fine, but you can't keep punishing me!" I yelled to match his tone.

"I don't hate, Ethan, Justin. I'm trying really hard to make this work."

"Well, so am I."

"Good. Then we don't have a problem."

"No, I guess we don't." We finished the rest of the meal in silence.

We moved over to the couch with the wine and our glasses, just like we always did. Brain smiled at me.

"You're not angry, are you?" He asked after a while. But I was.

"And why would you think I'm angry?"

"Because you're prissy like that."

"Shut up, Brian."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too." He started poking me to make me laugh. "Brian! Don't! Stop it! Brian! Fucking stop it!"

"Friends?"

"Whatever you want."

Brian pulled me into his arms and we lay down on the couch. I felt my heart start to beat faster. No matter how much I loved Ethan, Brian could always do that to me.

"Friends?" He whispered.

"Yeah." I whispered back.

We lay there like that for a long time, not talking. When I looked at my watch again, it was really late.

"Shit," I said getting up. "I've got to get home."

Brian looked at me and for a minute, I thought he was going to ask me to stay, and for a minute, I thought I was going to say yes.

But the moment passed and Brian got up and told me that he'd pay for the cab and I told him that I would. When we got to the part about him being nicer to his friends than his lovers, I smiled and told him that he was pretty nice to them both. He just got a bad rep.

He leaned in and kissed me and I felt his tongue slip into my mouth. I kissed him back and sighed as I felt his hands run through my hair. One last kiss - about five months later. That's what I took it as, and I'm sure he took it as the same.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a Thursday evening, or I guess a Friday morning - depending on which way you wanted to look at it - when I got a call. I was in bed asleep with Liam by my side.

Liam practically threw the phone at me and I strained to see who was calling. It was Justin's cell.

"Hello?" I said groggily.

"Brian...did I wake you?" He asked.

"Yes, you woke me." I looked at the clock. "It's three in the morning."

"Oh...I'm sorry. Go back to bed."

"Justin." Liam sighed at his name and I kicked his leg. "I'm up now, what do you want?" He didn't say anything but I could hear him sniffling. I heard a car drive by. "Where are you?"

"Downstairs." He said quietly.

I sighed. "Well, come up."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I told him and hung up the phone.

"He's coming up here?" Liam asked.

"Yeah." I sat up and started to pull on my jeans.

"Brian. It's the middle of the fucking night."

"I know. But something's wrong with him. Go back to sleep. I'll handle this."

But Liam was already fishing for his pants. "Well, fuck it. I'm up now."

Justin opened the door as soon as I made it out of the bedroom. His eyes were red and he collapsed in my arms.

"Hey...hey...Justin. What's wrong? What happened? Here, lets go sit down." I led him to the couch and Liam sat on the other side of him.

"Ethan and I had a fight."

"Well...that's okay. You can sort it out." I said. It seemed to me that he looked pretty bad for only having a fight.

"He's leaving." Justin managed between sobs.

"What do you mean, he's leaving?" I asked.

"He's going to France. He won some stupid competition that's going to send him to France to study with some woman who, apparently, is the only person worth studying the violin with in the whole fucking world."

I looked over Justin's head to Liam, who had a sympathetic look on his face.

"Oh Justin, I'm sorry." I told him.

"Well maybe, I mean, this isn't the end, Justin." Liam said. "It doesn't have to be. I mean, he's not going to stay there forever." Liam offered.

"He ended it." Justin explained.

"Where is he now?" I asked.

"At home. I just had to get out of there. Can I stay here tonight? I'm sorry, I don't want to be a bother."

"Of course you can stay." Liam said. "I'll get you a blanket." He got up.

"When does he leave?" I asked.

"Next week."

"Are you going to stay in that apartment?"

"Yeah." He sighed.

Liam came back with the blanket and then went into the bedroom, leaving me to finish up.

"Can you afford it, Jus?"

"For the next few months. But I'm going to have to get a roommate." He explained.

"I'm sorry, baby."

He shook his head. "Thanks for letting me stay, Bri."

I sighed and got up. "Goodnight."

"'Night." I kissed his cheek and went to bed, wrapping my arms around Liam.

"Brian?" Liam whispered.

"Yeah?"

"You love him, don't you?"

"What?"

"Justin. You love him."

"Of course I do."

"Brian, you know what I mean. You're in love with him." Liam said annoyed.

"Shhh. Keep your voice down. No, I am not in love with him. I'm in love with you." I told him. We went to sleep.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethan left on a Sunday afternoon. I took him to the airport to say goodbye. I so desperately wanted him to stay. I kept waiting for him to change his mind and come running back to me - like in the movies - but he didn't. I was sure that Ethan loved me and would miss me, but he'd be fine. He still had his first love in life - his violin.

And what did I have? His cat, that old dump of an apartment, a crap job, and a marred talent. My life was going nowhere.

That evening, I showed up at the loft and Brian wasn't there. I waited around for a few minutes to see if he'd show up, but he never did. I gave up and went home. It was the first time that either of us had missed a Sunday dinner in over six months.

Later that evening I received a phone call.

"Yeah?"

"Justin?" It was Brian.

"What's up?" I tried not to sound upset - I had no claims on Brian - but my day had just been too disappointing for that.

"You're not mad, are you?"

"Where were you?"

"Um...at Liam's. We sort of lost track of time."

Great. "Well, thanks."

"Jus...don't be like this. I'm sorry.'

"You know, Ethan left today, I really needed you. I said, realizing that it was true.

"Shit. I'm sorry. Do you want me to come now?"

I sighed. "No. Go to bed, you have to work early tomorrow. I'll talk to you later."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah." We hung up.

But about twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was Brian.

"Bri, what are you doing here?"

"Bringing you dinner and wine." He held up a takeout bag and a bottle.

"Bri, it's midnight."

"I'm aware. Are you going to let me in?"

I stepped out of the way and he came in. "Jesus, you really live here? This place is a dump."

"Thank you."

Just then Wolfram walked by.

"What the hell is that?" Brian asked shocked.

"It's a cat, Bri." 

He winced. "Oh God, I can just feel the cat hair jumping onto my nice black clothing."

We ate and drank.

"So, what were you and Liam doing, or should I be afraid to ask?" 

"We were fighting, actually."

"Oh. You were?"

"Yeah. Jesus, fighting is a fucking waste of time, isn't it?"

I laughed. "I guess so."

"Why do people do it? I mean, you're both mad, why don't you go be mad somewhere else and get over it? Instead, people have to yell and scream. I mean it's basically two people saying 'I'm mad.' 'I'm mad too.' 'I'm mad.' 'I'm mad too.' over and over again, but in different words."

"So what was the fight about?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"You were fighting about nothing?"

"Yes."

"Brian, what was it about?"

He sighed. "Nothing. He wanted me to come to dinner with his friends."

"Oh, but you didn't want to go?"

"Well, he wanted to go tonight. But, I mean, I already had plans with you."

"Well, you could have just called and said you wouldn't be able to make it tonight. I wouldn't have minded."

"Yeah but, I wanted to have dinner with you."

"Oh. And Liam was mad about that?"

"He was just in a whiny mood."

"What did he say?" I asked, though I didn't like where this conversation was going.

Brian put on his best whiny-Liam voice. "Briiiiiian! You ALWAYS have dinner with Justin on Sundays! Can't you just miss it this once? I'm sure he'll live! I'm sure YOU'LL live! I swear to God, you've got to be sleeping with him! I don't understand why you'd need to see him every Sunday otherwise!"

"He really said that?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry."

"What? Why?"

"Well, that I've caused you trouble."

"Justin, don't be fucking ridiculous. Liam was just in a mood. It has nothing to do with you."

"He thinks we're sleeping with each other."

"He does not. And if he does, then he's a moron."

"Okay..."

"He got his fucking wish though, I missed dinner with you."

"Yeah, I had a lot of fun in the loft by myself." I said sarcastically.

"Sorry."

"No worries, I finally got the opportunity to case the joint."

Brian laughed and then got semi-serious. "You know, I'm a bit surprised we're not sleeping together too."

"What?"

"Well, truth be told, I didn't think we could handle this 'friends' thing."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and don't take offence to this, but I just thought that there wouldn't be much between us if the passion was gone."

And now I know it was a combination of the wine and the fact that I was feeling sorry for myself over Ethan leaving that made me say,

"It's not gone."

"What?"

I took Brian's hand and placed it to my chest. "You still make my heart beat, Brian. The passion isn't gone."

"Then what is it doing?" He whispered.

"Waiting." Brian leaned in closer, his hand still on my chest; his face mere inches from my own.

"What is it waiting for, Justin?" 

He was barely audible, but it didn't matter. I was hardly listening to him anyway. I was too occupied with the beat of my own heart. I didn't dare answer his question for fear of where this would lead. The last thing I wanted to do tonight was make Liam's claims reality. I closed my eyes and prayed that when I opened them the tension would be gone.

I felt Brian kiss my forehead. "Let's go lie down, Sunshine. My head is spinning." I opened my eyes. "Don't worry, no funny business."

We went to the bed, which of course, Brian had to give a holier-than-thou look at. We lay down.

"Justin?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember when we met?"

"Vaguely." I joked.

"Shut up."

"Well, I'm sure 'vaguely' is a hell of a lot better than you remember."

"Again, shut up."

"Sorry. Go on."

"You were so young." I stayed quiet, not sure where this was leading. "And I was so...so...I don't know what I was."

"Horny?"

"Shut up, Justin! You know, this is why I don't talk to you. You always make fun of me."

He was joking, but I sort of felt bad. He really wanted to talk. "I'm sorry, Bri. Please continue."

"Oh forget it. I don't know what I'm trying to say." I stayed silent in hopes that he'd figure it out. "It's just that, you're not that kid anymore, are you? And I'm not that...whatever I was."

"What are you trying to say, Brian?" I asked.

"Nothing." Again, I waited. "I'm just saying, well, we let the uh, wine talk for a moment back there, didn't we?"

I thought Brian was trying to turn me down...but I hadn't really asked for anything. "Uh...I guess we did."

"I'm just trying to bring us back to reality, that's all."

"Brian, do you think I'm trying to get you back?" I asked.

"No! Of course not. Well, I mean...Jesus, what do I mean?"

"Don't worry Brian. I know you're with Liam."

"And you're...well, you're free now. That's what I'm trying to say. Think about it - for the first time since I've known you, you're free. You don't have someone you're lusting after, or a boyfriend. You don't have to follow anyone's rules. Think of all the stuff you can do now."

I wasn't exactly sure why he was telling me this and I wondered if he thought that I'd felt tied down all that time. Had I?

"I think maybe we've both had too much to drink." I said.

"Probably. Yeah, definitely."

"Let me call you a cab. I'll pay."

"No, I'll pay."

"No, I will."

"Can I just stay here tonight?"

Oh. Well that was a change. 

"Yeah, okay. Why not?"

We both undressed and I turned off the lights. Nothing happened. We just went to sleep. Brian was right. I was free. But he was free too. No matter how much passion burned inside of us, we were free of each other.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next few weeks were okay. Not great, but okay. Liam and I didn't see much of each other; we were both pretty busy at work. But when we were together, things seemed fine. 

This time it was midnight when the phone rang. And this time it was my cell phone. This time I was at Liam's. I stumbled off the bed and searched for the phone. I squinted to make out who was calling me. Apparently, it was my loft.

"Hello? Who's there?" I asked.

"Justin."

"What are you doing there?"

"I'm sorry, but I tried calling and you weren't answering, but I wasn't far and I just wanted to see if maybe you were home and not answering. But then you weren't and I didn't know what to do, so I thought I'd call your cell and-" He was rambling. I cut him off.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Is everyone else okay?"

"As far as I know."

"Justin." I heard Liam sigh, but this time I ignored him. "Why are you there? What happened? Why did you need to see me?"

"It's stupid."

"I'm used to your stupidity. Now tell me or I'll never forgive you for waking me."

"Waking you? Where are you?"

I sighed. "Liam's."

"Oh. Oh shit. I'm sorry. Go back to bed. I'm sorry. I'll lock up here."

"Justin."

"I saw Chris Hobbs."

"What? Where?"

"On the street just a while ago."

I stood up and turned on the light starting to pull my pants on while juggling the phone.

"What happened? Did he say anything to you?"

"No. No, I don't even think he saw me. We were on opposite sides of the street. I just got a bit freaked out and I didn't want to go home to that empty apartment." 

I pulled on my shirt. "Just sit tight. I'll be right home." I told him.

"No, Brian. Don't. I'll be okay now. I'm fine. I'll just go home."

"Don't you dare. I'll be right over." I hung up.

Liam was sitting up in bed staring at me with this angry glare.

"What the fuck is going on?" He demanded.

"I have to go home." I leaned in to kiss him goodbye but he pulled his head away.

"I'm fucking sick of this. Of him." Liam told me.

"Listen, you don't understand." I started.

"You know what? You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand why you wait at him hand and foot."

"Liam, please."

"Brian, I can't handle this anymore."

"Handle what? The kid had a scare and he needs-"

"You. I get it. He always needs you. And you're always going to be there. No matter what it means walking away from. And let me tell you something, Brian, it means walking away from a lot."

"What are you saying?" I asked, though I pretty much knew what he was saying.

"I'm saying that if you go to him tonight, then you're walking away from us." Liam looked me straight in the eye daring me to do something.

"You're fucked, Liam."

"Brian, I mean it. I can't stand that he's always first."

"He is not always first."

"Oh no? Then what do you call this?"

"A special fucking circumstance!" I yelled.

"It always is! 'Oh you don't understand, Liam, Justin doesn't have the money for tuition, Justin's having boyfriend troubles, Justin got hit by a baseball bat, Justin needs his ass scratched.'"

I glared at him. "Fuck you."

"So are you going to go? Because if you do, it's over."

I went home to the loft. Justin was asleep on the couch. His face was tear-stained. I carried him into the bedroom and he woke up in my arms.

"Bri?"

"Shhh. I'm just carrying you to the bed. You'll be more comfortable."

"You didn't have to come. Sorry I'm such a drama princess."

"You're not. Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I've said it all before, it just never goes away."

I held him close to me and we went to sleep.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I woke up the next morning, I was in Brian's bed. He was still asleep and I decided that maybe I should slip out before he woke up. I'm not sure why, but that was what I thought was best.

But he woke up as I was putting my shoes on.

"Going somewhere?" He yawned.

"Yeah...home."

"Oh. Feeling better?"

Suddenly I felt embarrassed. I felt stupid for having to come here last night and for having to call Brian to come home. Every time I thought that I had proved I could make it on my own, something like this had to happen.

"Was Liam upset at you?" I asked, ignoring his question.

"I think we broke up."

"What?" I exclaimed.

He laughed. "Well, I'm sure we didn't really. Just for the evening. I'll fix it."

"Oh. Okay." I was partially relieved and more than partially jealous because Brian thought what he and Liam had was worth fixing.

And as if on cue, Liam opened the loft door.

"Oh, hi Justin. I hope everything's okay." He said sincerely and I watched out of the corner of my eye as Brian cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, fine thanks." I said and I was out the door.

I knew they would be fine. Why else would Liam show up there so early in the morning with a smile on his face? I was bitter. Bitter because Brian had Liam, because Liam had Brian, because Ethan left me for his violin, because I would have to start looking for a roommate, because I was alone.

Well fuck it. I could be happy too. Just as happy as I had imagined Liam and Brian to be up in that loft at that moment. I went to find out about getting a roommate.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Justin came over late a couple of Sundays later, I tried to be nonchalant about it, but I wanted to know why.

"And where were you? I'm starving." I teased.

"Sorry. I was helping Andrew."

"Who?"

"Andrew. My new roommate. He moved in today and I was helping him bring his stuff up."

I got a little suspicious. "What do you know about this guy, Justin? How do you know he's not going to kill you in your sleep." 

Justin rolled his eyes. "This coming from the man that drags home whomever or whatever is willing from Babylon after he's been drinking all night."

"Fuck off, Justin."

"Well it's true, how did you know that they wouldn't kill you in your sleep? How did you know that I wouldn't kill you?"

"This isn't about me." He was right, I didn't know. But that wasn't the point. "So, how did you find this guy?"

"He's a friend of Daphne's. Does that make you feel better?" He asked.

"Maybe. How well does Daphne know him?"

"Brian, enough. He's not going to kill me."

"So, is he cute?" I teased.

"Yeah, kind of. Yeah he is. But that doesn't matter."

"Why not?"

"He's got a girlfriend."

"Oh. Gross."

Justin laughed. "You're so childish."

"Me? Never." I told him. "So...I met Liam's parents."

"You did not!" He exclaimed.

"I did. But not on purpose. I showed up at his place and they were there."

"Was it awkward?"

"Nah. They seemed nice enough."

"That's good. I'm sure you charmed the pants off of them."

"Whatever. Doesn't matter."

"Sure it does. It's always good to have the in-laws like you." He joked.

"Don't say words like that around me. I find them highly offensive."

"Some things never change."

"Anyway, back to what I was saying..."

"Sorry."

"I meant that it didn't matter that I met them because things with Liam aren't really going anywhere."

"Of course they are."

"No they're not."

"Why not? What happened?"

"Nothing. Nothing happened. I just don't feel it anymore."

"You don't feel it? What the hell does that mean?" He raised his voice and I wasn't exactly sure why.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe I've changed. Maybe he's changed. Anyway, I haven't seen much of him recently."

"And why is that?"

"I don't know. Haven't wanted to, I guess."

"But you...but you...you love him! You told him that you love him. You told me that you love him."

"Well, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was just trying to make you happy."

"ME? You think that hearing you love another man makes me happy? Are you insane?"

"Quite possibly. Not just you, Justin. Everybody. And maybe even myself. The Great Brian Kinney in love. It just made people feel good. The idea of it made me feel good. It made me feel human. It made me feel like a thirty-fucking-one year old man!" 

And that was the truth. Everyone who claimed to be in love seemed so happy. So sue me if I finally wanted a piece of that. But apparently, it wasn't as easy as just saying it. Liam...Liam was a great guy. But it wasn't love. 

"Jesus, Brian. You don't even know what you're thinking and you're going to end it?"

"What's it to you?"

"Nothing. It's just...I mean, is this how it's going to be whenever you're with someone? You reel them in, make them think you love them, then you get tired of them and start to push them away."

"Justin, what I do is no business of yours." I glared at him.

"Yeah, not anymore, right?" He glared back.

"Excuse me? What, is that what you think I did with you?" I asked him.

"That's what I know you did with me." Justin answered.

"Go fuck yourself, Justin. I think we've been over why our relationship didn't work out, and his name was Ethan."

"Why do you think Ethan appealed to me?" He was practically shouting now.

"I don't care, Justin. I really don't."

"No, no, you never did, did you?"

"I'm tired of having this conversation with you, Jus." I said calmly. "I'm sorry your relationship with Ethan didn't work out and now you feel stupid for leaving me. I'm sorry. I really am. But I won't sit here and accept all of the blame for everything that was wrong between us because you now realize that you made a very big mistake."

"Right. A very big mistake. Maybe it was the best thing I ever did!"

"Whatever gets you through, Justin..."

"My one mistake was being with you in the first place."

"And that, my dear, was what I tried to tell you from the beginning. It's not my fault that you followed me around like a lost puppy-dog."

"Oh yeah, you didn't exactly push me away."

"Actually, I did."

"But only after you fucked me."

"So sue me, you have a tight ass and you give good head."

"So that was it?"

"I'm just feeding you what you want to hear, aren't I?"

I watched him as he tried to decide whether or not to believe what I was saying. And to be completely honest, I wasn't sure what to believe myself. We stayed quiet for a few minutes - he stared at his feet and I continued to eat. Then he got up and started to clear the table. I sat back and watched him as he cleared my plate as well and washed the dishes. Then he poured the wine and handed me my glass before heading over to the couch. I followed and sat next to him. Again, we were silent.

"I didn't mean any of it."

"I know." I told him. "Neither did I."

"But you're right, Bri."

"What do you mean?"

"You're right. I was so stupid. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made," He looked at me. "Leaving you, I mean."

I sighed. "No it wasn't. Ethan was good for you. It's just too bad it didn't work out." 

Justin looked away and I put my hand on the back of his neck. He turned to face me again. He had tears in his eyes.

"Oh, don't cry, Justin."

"I'm sorry, Brian. For everything."

"Shhh. Stop it. There's nothing to be sorry for. Now can we just change the subject?"

He nodded and wiped his eyes. "Yeah. Okay."

For the rest of the night we pretended that nothing happened - didn't we always?

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I broke it off with Liam a few days after. Despite everything that was said with Justin, I knew that it wasn't my insecurities that were causing me to want to end it. It was simply that things weren't going the way they had been initially. And I wasn't alone in that feeling. Liam agreed with me as well, though I did suspect that he felt that it had something to do with Justin. And well, who knows?

I decided to show up at Justin's unexpectedly, for some reason. He opened the door and motioned for me to come inside. He was on the phone and I sat down and waited for him to finish. There was more stuff in the place now that this Andrew character had moved in. I wondered if he was there so I could see for myself if he was the murdering-type.

Justin ended his conversation by saying "I love you, too." I looked at him as he placed the phone back on the hook.

"You love who too?"

He looked at me. "Huh? Oh, no one. Ethan."

"That was Ethan?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"So...you two are still talking?" I asked.

"Every now and again."

"And you still love him?"

"I...I don't...it's just habit, Brian."

"Right." I kind of sounded pissed off, a surprise to Justin and to myself.

"Well...anyway...what are you doing here?" He asked. "Not that I mind you dropping by, of course."

"Of course." He sat down.

"So?"

"So nothing. I was around. Thought I'd come say hi. But I'll leave if you don't want me here."

"Of course I do, Bri."

"Okay. So...the roommate here?" I asked trying to change the subject; I was just as confused as Justin must have been about my sudden snappy attitude.

"Uh, no. He went out for a run."

"A run? So he's a runner?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know."

"Okay...well, you want something to eat?"

"No."

"Drink?"

"No."

"Okay..."

We sat in silence for a moment. "I told Liam it was over today."

"Oh. How did that go?"

"Very well, actually."

"Well, that's good then."

"Yeah."

We sat in more silence.

"Bri, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." 

Maybe deep down I did know, however. All of a sudden I found myself jealous of the fact that Ethan still got to hear 'I love you' from Justin. And I was jealous that some stranger that was 'out for a run' had the key to this place because he lived here with Justin. I was definitely jealous that I had just told Justin that Liam and I broke up and he didn't jump into my arms. But, of course, I tried to chalk that up to 'nothing.'

"Okay, so you want to go out?"

"No."

"Brian, you're not being very helpful here." 

Justin sat down next to me and the door opened. In walked a tall sweaty guy with brown hair.

"Hey." He said to Justin.

"Hey. Andrew, this is Brian."

"Oh hey, nice to meet you." I nodded. "I'm going to hit the shower." And off he jogged into the bathroom.

"That's the kind of guy who'll kill you in your sleep." I said once Andrew was out of earshot.

Justin hit my arm. "Shut up."

I sighed. "Do you love Ethan?" I asked, surprising myself.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I don't know...I mean..."

"Do you still want to be with him? I mean, when he comes back?"

"Bri, I don't even know if he is coming back. Where did this come from?"

"I don't know. Just answer the question."

"He's a great guy, Brian. I love him. But I don't think I'm in love with him."

"You don't think?"

"No. Not anymore. Why?"

"No reason." I lied.

"Bullshit."

Again, we sat in silence and I wondered if he knew what I was only starting to realize myself - I still wanted him.

I got up and made some excuse about having to be somewhere. I gave him a peck on the cheek and left. Jesus, these things just seemed to sneak up on me.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All that week I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation Brian and I had at my place. And I found myself wishing that I could be with him again. Now that Liam was out of the picture. It was as if when Ethan and Liam were there, I could control my thoughts about Brian. It wasn't so hard. Because I did have feelings for Ethan and I assumed that Brian did for Liam. I was generally happy and the pangs of jealousy I sometimes felt were chalked up to just that - pangs of jealousy. It was only natural that because I had been with Brian I would be jealous of who was with him at that moment, right? Who did I think I was kidding?

But then Ethan was gone. And Liam was gone. And I wanted to spend hours making love to Brian. I wanted to wake up in his bed, in his arms. I wanted to shower with him, eat dinner with him, watch TV with him. Jesus, I wanted to do his fucking laundry. I felt like the past five or six months had meant nothing in my development. I felt like I had taken one step forward and two steps back. Actually, make that one step forward and four or five steps back. I was that little boy again, the one who was standing on Liberty for the first time. The one who was telling Daphne that he was in love with a man he'd just met. 

I showed up at Brian's that Sunday with a nervous feeling in my stomach. 

"Hi." I said as I walked in. Brian was reading the paper.

"Hey." He put it down and stood up next to me. Brian took my bag of groceries from my hand and placed it down on the ground. "I'm not hungry." He said."

"Oh?" And I knew at that instant that I wasn't alone in my thoughts. I knew from the look in his eyes, that Brian was thinking about me too.

He grabbed my hand and led me towards the bedroom. We feasted on each other that night.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Justin was gone before I woke the next morning and I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. But how could I have? I wanted him and he wanted me. Simple. Except that it was not simple and I couldn't keep telling myself it was. 

For the first time in my life, I was ready to admit that I was scared. I was scared to talk to Justin. I knew what I wanted and what I wanted was him. But the thought of telling him that made my stomach turn. Some things never change.

Why? Why did we keep going around in endless circles? What the hell was wrong with us? What the hell was wrong with me?

I knew I should probably call him. but I didn't. I avoided being anywhere he would be that week. I was a coward, but really, did anyone expect anything different. In my defence, I'll say that Justin did the same thing. He didn't make any attempt to call of visit. We were a pair of cowards. I wondered if he's show up on Sunday. I wondered if I would in his position. He showed up.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That Sunday, I showed up at Brian's knowing things would be different. When I got there he was asleep on the couch.

"Brian." I whispered while stroking his cheek. His eyes fluttered open.

"Justin." He struggled to sit up.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Not really. I'm just feeling dizzy. I must have fallen asleep."

"You want me to leave?"

"No."

"You want me to get you some pills?"

"I already took some."

I sat down next to him. "Why are you feeling dizzy?" I asked.

"Don't know. Must be a stress headache."

"Maybe you should lie down in bed, go to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you."

"No, just sit down beside me." I did as I was told.

All week I had been thinking about what had happened between Brian and I. I couldn't come up with much, but I knew what I wanted. I wanted him to love me. I always knew that I'd still have feelings for Brian but I was sure that we were moving on. At least, I had been sure before. At this point, I didn't know what to think.

"Justin?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to know something."

"Yes?"

"I want you to know that..."

"That what? What, Bri?"

"Forget it."

Shit. I really wanted, no, I needed to know what he was going to say.

"So...you...hungry?"

"Justin listen, I can't promise anything."

"Excuse me?"

"I want you to..."

"To what?"

"I don't know."

I sighed. "Okay."

"Maybe you and I deserve another chance." I stayed silent. "Well?"

"Well what? Where is this coming from?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. Listen, you're the one that's always telling me to go with my feelings and I feel this."

"You feel what, Bri?"

"I'm not sure." I had to laugh at that. "Okay fine, sorry, forget it."

"No Bri, no, I'm not laughing at you."

"Yes you are."

"Okay, yes I am. But not in a mean way." Brian scoffed. "Really."

"Whatever." He was a bit hurt. He felt like he was being shut down.

"Do you really want to do this?" I asked.

"Do I ever do anything I don't want to?" He asked back.

"No. You don't...Brian, I don't want to be hurt again."

He looked at me. "Neither do I."

"Why now?"

"Because now I feel like I know you well enough."

"What?"

"Justin, we didn't know each other. We just jumped right into whatever it was we had. Fuck, I hardly even knew your name."

"You didn't."

"What?"

"You didn't know my name."

Brian laughed. "Do you see what I mean?"

"I see what you mean."

"But now...now I think we deserve a shot. Justin, we've spent a lot of time getting to know each other lately."

"I know."

"Well I'm a greedy fucking bastard."

"Oh?"

"I don't want anyone else to have you."

I felt like I could cry. He was right - we did deserve a chance. 

And so that was it. I started at the beginning, which was really the end and now here we are at the end, which is really the beginning. Things won't go smoothly, I don't expect them to. And I don't want them to. I just want to be. I want Brian and I to be. We owe it to each other and we owe it to ourselves.

There is life with and without Brian. Life with Brian isn't always perfect, but it's what feels right. Everything else is just passing time.


End file.
